Monday, June 27, 2005

they realize what the scars are from

my sickness outed,
i can feel the eyes on me
as if i do not have the perfect right
to blow myself
to pieces...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

heart drop down

it's the letting go, the realization that you're
not all right
but it's okay, and you
are ready to go on,
bare body in the
moonlight again, half shadow and half
blazing with shimmery light
as you
clutch your wounded heart with the
transparent, fragile beauty you do not see
in yourself and you wait to love again
while you swear off the whole mess entirely

but you can't escape love, it snatches
and tears at your heart, begging a night's
lodging, and you know better,
but you always let love in.
despite the struggle,
the constant reality of pain versus the fairy tales
the cutting of her abandonment, the sting
of his lies when you discover the truth.
love is a game, a battleground, a muddy
field slick with rain and gore
as you sink neck deep into the refuse
you weep and realize that yet, if not
for this feeling, the despair and
tumultuous passion, you would
never be able to feel truly alive.

Monday, June 20, 2005


it is beautiful outside.

rolls across the sky and the rain
quickens from a sprinkle on the
roof to rain
so thick it makes the air grey.
i am really ready for it

i've nothing to do all day but get wet
and watch the deluge form puddles
and rivers on my street.
days like this i miss being twelve,
when you're not old enough to
be embarrassed by wearing a
swim suit outside in the rain,

frolic in the flooding streets.
but i am old enough to have the
excuse of
to my car to get wet,

and i'll go

with that.

* in my B.A. thesis as well... almost completely unedited.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

in days, i will break up with you.

it's that heartstop realization,
the dread
twisting you into nauseated knots,
the place where
"what if it doesn't work"
becomes "how can it?"
but it's not over
it's never
that simple that easy that clear - emotions
are see-through as mud
and you fumble through
knowing you're doomed
yet attempting to change the future
with the wrong tools and the wrong person
and the wrong heart