Tuesday, December 24, 2002

self-fulfulling prophecy

i seem
of becoming
anything other than
the jaded bitch
i've always
claimed to be.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

you know it's over when

coming to the park,
searching vainly for the graffiti
that held your names, promising forever
only, you can't find it -
it's covered by more years of love, loss, and
cock jokes
you no longer remember the precise spot he carved it;
the blade is a distant memory,
the split a recent one.
you only want the evidence
to remain, you want everyone
to remember:
once, you were deliriously
happy together

Friday, December 13, 2002

is this it?

close my eyes...
my whole body shakes
dried blood morning,
broad daylight dried blood
on my arm. i didn't
bother washing it off.
my whole body
shakes i can feel it
close my eyes lie down
i can feel it, like drug
withdrawal, can't stop trembling.
as i'm curled here
on the couch thinking,
how sad would it be
for him to find me
here on his couch in
broad daylight,
i didn't take the pills with
food, i took too many.
give me an hour
i'll be...fine.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

i'm okay, then.

"are you okay?" she asks me.
"define okay," i say.

what does it say about me,
that i live through being
close to death?
that sickness, pale flesh
is welcome?
death is becoming an
answer to the problem
that is posed by you?
go on, tell me what a SICK FUCK
i've become.

Wednesday, December 4, 2002

i don't do drugs, i just abuse myself

you know what started
the entire problem -
you never accepted me
as myself.
you painted portraits of me,
and made yourself believe
i was not the strung-out creature
you saw...
you refused to see me
as i was, scars and all
you pasted cover-up over
my wounds,
and fed me, built me up,
knowing all along
i was sure to fail.
when she pried me away
from you,
you just stood there, watching.
you knew all along;
i knew all along
i could never be your perfect girl.

Monday, November 25, 2002

trust me, there's nothing to believe.

my pain could do me in
or so could my blade.
two sharp jabs and long
draws up the arms
paralleling the veins.
bisecting the angry scratches
- my mutilated arms -
don't you think they're beautiful?
call me selfish.
call me a poser.
i don't give a damn.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002


i covered it all up
so i seemed "safe"
and if i'd had any idea
i would have tried deeper
i would have been
perfectly sliced to pieces.

Monday, November 18, 2002

2 pills i took to keep from destroying myself

And i know this is fucked up
but now it's you i'm bleeding for
and if i were you i'd wear it like a badge.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

romancing the blade

you're such a quiet companion
you only demand what i want to give
you need only what i desire
and i would give anything
to be alone with you now
we could let the blood out together
create beautiful slashes
colors i love...
red on white
i can almost feel the sweet agony
and i've gone for far too long,
ignoring your call,
my precious razor.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002


i hold (or try) the twisted tissue
under my splayed, sticky fingers,
subcutaneously grasping
the slicksharp edge agony

sprawling in
a cemetery, waiting
for the flow
to slow
to walk back to my room, wrap
up in tight-tourniquet tape

no idea how
it happened, must have
accidentally hit
something, didn’t notice
when i did it
(god, that’s big)
at work, broken glass,
the cat scratched my arm…
scraped it
on the sharp metal trim
in my car, falling off. really.
i swear.

*also in my senior thesis. unlike many other poems also in my thesis, this went under extensive revision, whereas other ones i used mostly in their original state. i noticed while revising and re-revising my thesis, that it didn't seem to matter how old a poem was; some poems come out fully formed, and others start an idea that you later have to bring out of the original poem, and expound upon. no one hits perfection every time, especially without revision.

Monday, November 4, 2002

only just

i want to hold you
touch your hair, brush it
from your face
to see you,
knees drawn up in agony
i want to kiss your scarred arms
that took the blows for you
and hold you, in mine,
you don't know this exists,
that i can touch your secrets
from time to time,
and wipe your tears
as you sleep.

Friday, October 25, 2002


come on, then
say something
that doesn't sound like
you nearly choked
on the words.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

you might

just a simple bloodshed argument.
a simple (ex) friendship
a lonely (half-)existence

i said you might have been the one
if only for a few different reasons.
and if my stomach didn't clench
when i saw you in the arms of another...
maybe then
maybe then i could lie
and say i was over it

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

repainting the pain

if it doesn't feel like a storm
a caked-on cherry mess -
a wristful of mental case -
i don't need a reason anymore -
i need to be alive, be here,
i need to feel pain to feel anything
i'm not sure i can feel anything else.

Monday, October 14, 2002

an intruder to your solace

i imagine that by the time you discover
what i have taken (many months later)
it will not matter that
i sought my broken pieces
left your refund money
and took them back...
i do not think you
could feel anything
but a rush of relief
one less thing to hear (feel)
consciously beating -
soft thumps that kept you awake at night.
you were too conscious of the trust
i once held in you
no. you will be all too glad to see them gone.

Saturday, October 5, 2002


you've been gifted with the exactlyright way
of making me feel insignificant
(hardly worth the effort)

Friday, October 4, 2002

like bouncing off a wall

"forgive us, o life
the sin of Death"
- e.e. cummings

And forgive us, o death
the sin of life
blasphemous breath.

Thursday, October 3, 2002

i can sleep when i'm dead

i was wrong after all...
i cannot give love
(since you will not take it)
but it remains, retreats
into my inner corners
(tries not to die of hypothermia.)

Saturday, September 28, 2002


don't tell me not to;
it's like sending me
to a psychiatrist
but instructing me
to remain

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

they may think they belong there

we are always the weakest when
in bed with another
out comes the cute pajamas,
the designer lingerie,
or you act casual,
pretend not to care.
but anyone you invite inside
the covers
has the power to hurt you,
worse than any other possibly could.
those who know the feel of your
sleep-flushed skin
has the power to destroy you
with a glance,
one disparaging look,
a snide remark
any common mutter
can ruin you.

Saturday, September 14, 2002

control, part 3

you hate so strongly
it's almost like an orgasm -
turning my world on end
and rasping away at
my nerve endings
you try to blunt me
erase who i am to
fulfill your mental picture
(i am not the one
you wanted and i
of the devoted girl
who will trail your every move
like a puppy.
you would erase me
if you could,
find some other girl
to place on a pedestal
i know this.
i was not your
perfectly planned princess
veni vidi vici
you came too late
to get rid of my evidence
i'm sure you love me now,
or at least think
you do.
but if there had been a way
to replace me
not a heartbeat would go by
before you would.
do not lie to me.
do not lie to me.
i know.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

don't worry, really.

apathy invaded by blood, replaced by tears
the pain, blade, sharp dull everlasting ache.
what does your self-help manual have to say?
dirty habit dirty
smells like death
eats me alive
running candy licked off,
cherry red
enough for my pages, my public
my every whim and desire.
go ahead and put the filthy SHIT all over your face.

Tuesday, September 3, 2002

- and oh you smiled -

so hard i thought i would break in half -
a pure joy smile.
stretch your happiness - light up your eyes when i came in the room -
was it all a lie?
waste of time trying to gather my strength?
you have no idea of the letdown -
in the after hours
spent and shaking -
you are/were my heroin.

Saturday, August 31, 2002

say what you mean

i've been putting up curtains today
they're rather sheer
and i've become tangled in their gossamer
the threads raveling and pulling at my ankles
whispering thoughts i never wanted
and words i can't explain.
i've drawn a thousand lines
and you've refused to cross them
scared of stepping in too deep
shallow water still holds that sting
the fear of drowning in emotions too strong to control.
you find irony in the strangest places.
if you happen to figure out, on the way
the meaning to life and why it is...
well, you know. i've said it a thousand times.
tried to fix the broken pieces...ruined...
well how could i have been so arrogant
to think it would actually work?

Tuesday, August 27, 2002


i don't really know.
i did once...or i thought i did.
sitting there in the darkness,
alone, and in a delirious
state of numb.
watch carefully:
this is what sick people do.
sink the blade into your wrist
feel the red-hot pain
a little less each time - ah,
so i am still alive,
but feebly.
no one here to object,
do it again -
this time for the bloody show,
the evidence to paint on my page.
and when you come and ask...
what is that?
and if i tell you...

Friday, August 23, 2002


a cloud-filled sky last night
obscuring the stars
and she crept over -
walked a mile in stilettos
shoes in hand, she climbed
into my yard and through
the window
bringing music, melancholy
a book of nothing[feelings]
it never meant anything
it never meant anything.
she steals my time, energy
running we down deserted streets
with solitary lampposts
clock ticking away
i should be sleeping
no worries no worries
beating along with the tock[tick]
she never listens! i screamed
get it all out, hold me
i need some contact
a small desperate caress
her footsteps fall
creeping out the window
flashing a peace sign against
the windowpane
tap tap... rain. abstract.

Sunday, August 11, 2002


call it
whatever you choose.
it's still blood,
and it means
you aren't any better
than the rest of us.

Thursday, August 8, 2002

i know you for moments

you sit there
peeking from under curtains
a small closet of a room,
you smile, beckon,
let me see you
unbroken, unchained,
for the few seconds the drugs
can hold you untethered, flying high.
i only catch glimmers of you,
light behind your black curtains
as i drive by
on the county road.

Monday, July 29, 2002

did you know?

i kept everything.
all i had.
broken bracelets, letters,
notes from you,
old photographs
lipstick stains on paper,
letters i never had the heart
to give you, and some i forgot to,
every scrap you ever gave me -
what if i brought it over
one day, would you even know why?
the old sentiments
we laugh about now,
they really existed once,
and i don't have the heart
to get rid of
the evidence.

Friday, July 19, 2002

make up your own mind

i'll grit my teeth
bare my flesh
hold the knives closer
to keep my skin safe -
i'll inflict my own damage,
thank you.
pretty grin
you won't disturb me.
i watch you carefully,
peering at me
i saw your face
resting your chin in your hands
you smiled, sighed.

Monday, July 15, 2002

it did hurt

she said....
(i said....)
tell her. it can't hurt.
(yeah but what if you are so wrong? i can't lose this friendship i would die before i would lose that.)
you aren't being true to this you have to say something you can't hide forever what you feel, what you know.
(i will if i have to.)
but it isn't fair to her.
(fuck. it isn't fair to me now, it isn't fair if i tell her and she freaks, it isn't fair if i rock her foundation and she can't deal.)
it's not like she would slit her wrists?
(she might and it would all be my fucked up goddamn fault.)
and you can't live with that.
(no what are you my therapist? fuck no who could?)
i did.
(you're stronger than i am you are so much better you let everyone know you tell all who care to listen. you would tell
i would, and i would be proud. why are you so ashamed?
(i'm so fucking scared i need her and she doesn't give a shit.)
you don't know that.
(it's inevitable. i love only those i could never be with.)
what about.......?
(you know what i mean.)
no i don't.
(it's okay, no one does.)

Sunday, July 14, 2002

insert swear word here

your face
familiar and sometimes i see the smile
it was meant to be there and left
i came along and it left
you write notes
phantoms of emotion i can't read
they were so long ago and you
scribble lovesick heartbreak about
(insert person here) you won't say
i'm sick i'm sick i'm suchafuckup
i want to be the person you ache for
i want i wish i'm so fucking selfish
oh and i hope to repair the damage
someday i would mend your heart

Saturday, July 13, 2002

early a.m. lovers

my arms can't hold you
well enough, and i
don't know
who is your secret muse,
your forbidden fantasy.
if you could just blurt it out,
the truth,
ask your question
make the other swear to answer -
would you?
if i held you to your word
and you could just answer...
what would you do?

Tuesday, July 2, 2002


he won't trust
me, with my own
knife blade.
his eyes are nervous
as i roll the edge
on my thumb,
he winces, when
i move quickly,
he reaches over,
attempts to take
all the sharp things
he can't protect me...
it worries him.

Sunday, June 30, 2002

withered lovers

i'd long to fold back
your skin, and slip
right in, to breathe
your air,
and say it was mine.
i'd sew your flesh
to my bones,
freshen up
my dying blood with
some of your own,
my elixir of life,
my shameful parasitic secret.
don't tell
i'll be everything
you ever needed,
supplying your emotions
from rusted tin cans,
emergency supplies.
love can distort and bend
your perceptions.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

it's been one day

it's been a long time
to explain away,
a forever
i'd blink away, if it means
you'll come around again.
it's been perfect
you, lovely
it's been hell, sweaty
bleeding imperfection.
and less, less i start
less, finish more.
i don't know myself, the way
i used to
i get better, worse
i don't understand at all.
i'm clouded.
kiss me i'm so confused,
and you'll never get around to
reading this.
you'll languish in that
hot shower, we both with
eyes furtively averted,
making sure we aren't stained...
i hope i haven't ruined you yet.

Thursday, June 20, 2002

the worst way

the worst way
to miss someone
is to be sitting right beside them,
you can't have them.

Sunday, June 16, 2002

what i couldn't tell you at the time

listening to sad songs.
hope everything can be helped,
wonder if she wanders
if she knows does she get it?
(does she return does she wonder if i)
don't think
i just walk endless days a countdown
uh do you see me see through these lines
do you wonder if it would work,
do you wonder if i?
all i see is you

Monday, June 10, 2002

do you need me?

can you stand
to let me go
at arm's length,
and let me in,
a little closer?
tell them truth.

Sunday, June 2, 2002

tell her

i sculpted her words in blood
at times,
wrote the odes to
anyone who would read them...
found out
this means everything.

Monday, May 27, 2002

take a chance

immortalizing your words
is a dicey proposition...

half the world hates them.

the rest of the world misquotes them.


inescapable fear, growing.
all you can do is cry,
hope someone knows your tears.
hiding, silently recording the
self-inflicted pain - rushing water,
running blood.
everyone is so afraid of this story -
they see nothing but the scars, nothing
but the angry red gashes,
noncommittal nods.
gasps and displeasure.
but if i don't speak
when i'm well-bladed,
i seem almost

Sunday, May 19, 2002

today is lost, clouded

like many days
a clouded slate of polished rocks
a stupor induced by mania
lay for hours and stared at the ceiling
wishing it was you
and could you come back and hold me into myself
and breathe dear.
and now that i've outed myself,
put the defining limit upon my feelings,
composed the ultimate hypocrisy inches from your face
you still have no idea
and i'm still making love to razor blades
and mating the pages, stuck and rusted.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

instead of crying

you weep,
and blood trails down your arm.

Monday, May 6, 2002


slicing fingers
stained and torn,
sharpened upon my bitter skin.
...and you have no idea.
i keep my pain well,
biting off my cries carefully
with every intention of stifling inside
the hurt the blade played
no part in.
it's always the wrong anguish
they respond to,
but how do you tell someone that?

Friday, April 26, 2002

collaging ourselves

the point being
to break and reassemble,
cut and stitch
until we can no longer
feel the pain.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

starting to end

i was conflicted
and he didn't realize,
walking away
turning over his shoulder
with a glare
before he'd go.
i stayed still last night,
curled into fetal balls
felt good, i said,
staring off at nothing,
listening to conversations
i was supposed to be in.
weighted down with
the consciousness of her,
splayed across my body,
while looking in his eyes
i said i love you
and he just walked away.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

i remembered too

she knows
her fingers moving sure
pleating the folds of hair
arranging and perfecting
she thinks she remembers
times of life, blood
yet to be spilled, waiting
pooled green underneath skin
instead of crimson rivulets
your arms remember when
you were unscarred
and i paid no attention
she runs taking with her
slippery pieces gushing they're
falling out of your hands
and now i'm left
lusting after the impossible
or is it the purest of intentions,
a kiss gently placed
the way i look at you.
do you understand?

Tuesday, April 9, 2002

sleep is for the weak

i live
for creaking floorboards,
the shallow sleep breath
of another beside me.
the allure of time
when time stops
its passage, the why
and hows in question.
all the answers, inspiration
in the early morning hours
when all sane people

Saturday, April 6, 2002

where we are

if we danced, holding hands
to music in our heads,
bodies held close
in a rythmic sway,
would you feel it too?
or would you remain oblivious
to the the undertones,
the currents that take us?

Sunday, March 24, 2002

teetering over the edge of insanity

hold me and make me forget.
kiss me until
you kill me.
i will never complain
that you didn't love me.
your only sin was
loving me too much,
and that my dear,
is simply unforgiveable.

Thursday, March 21, 2002

control, part 2

i can't believe your eyes,
words bleeding out the sides,
your blood telling
the stories, seldom heard.
i would devour her knowledge,
she glances back at me
and turns.
the light tonight
has fallen, we stand
in twilight
remembering days gone by
before our bleeding
was known, before
he inspected my wrists,

Saturday, March 16, 2002

i loved you...

and all i wanted was a small piece no
a sliver of your life a small razor cut

Tuesday, March 5, 2002

scratch the surface

will you come to see me grieving,
into the grey marble exterior?
call me sick
but i've had dreams,
ingesting myself, another's blood
as if it were natural
unaware of pain and
only drowning enough to find
that i could no longer
be satisfied
with a blade.
there are sharper things
to slit oneself with.

Monday, February 25, 2002


stuck to the ceiling tonight.
i'd shoot myself to create
the masterpiece, emulsified in
careful preparation...
so you can see this exact change
spilling from my hands hitting
the floor, gun slid down.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002


i don't know, myself.
i felt the need.
a mental anorexia i
cannot control,
nothing but myself, my blade.

cut again.
cut again.
i love you.
i hate myself.

Tuesday, February 5, 2002


i said nothing.
wore nothing to upset you,
when you asked me to.
but what is good enough for you?

i am not your perfect model;
i wish i was.
sculpted and ragged in the wind,
dainty rivulets of blood.
no real model
owns x-actos
and scars.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

for whisper

it's okay. i tried it on but it didn't seem to fit. (suicide)

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

sometimes i astound myself

walking towards me, you turned
and faced the skyline.
i cannot comprehend
the stars bending to meet me,
scraping themselves low, yet
in the darkness creeping before me,
i noticed your hair,
gleaming bright.
it struck the moonlight
and send shards
scattering into my heart.

Tuesday, January 8, 2002


i want you to.
nothing could be sweeter than
your face on the ground,
your blood on my shoes,
splattered upon my face
and running from my nails.
hate is not word enough
to hold this rage.
i can spill it out
in simple phrases
filled with malice and scorn:
listen carefully.

Tuesday, January 1, 2002

she asks me not to*

someone make me laugh,
quiver with suppressed hilarity.
i spend too much time
staring at a blade
and my impenetrable skin.

*actually made its way into my B.A. thesis. and a piece of artwork. i don't know why i like this one so much, there isn't much of a rational reason; more like memory association.