Wednesday, September 28, 2005

waiting for fall

the wind
gusts sideways and back,
raining leaves down
on the concrete
and dragging them in circles
and patterns
and their dry scuttle,
like a dance devoid of choreography,
their minuet with the spirits
fitful and hesitant until
they fall from the breeze, stick
in between the crevices of benches
and the cracks of sidewalks,
dry and crunching beneath her feet.
she stands on the sidewalk
looking down,
but she is seeing something
so far away from this place.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

blind and numb

yeah and these days
i'm waiting for something
that has value and heft
but i end up grasping nothing and
staring at my blank
computer screen.
i am seeing and not
finding, if you know
what i mean.
yeah and these days
i rarely see beyond
the end of my pipe; its haze
is familiar and far
more comforting
than the tableau that greet
my unveiled eyes.
so i walk in a cloud,
that is fine. i am lost
in the inner recesses of my mind.
no doubt the calm exterior
is a welcome change.
but even after all this time i find
i still rasp the wrong way,
stubble against delicate skin,
leaving bruises and blotches in
my path.
i never meant to become
this hard, or
or mean. yeah and these days
i don't set my purpose
to making others flees;
their impulses must be
auto-pilot, knee-jerk, save-our-souls
reflex - a survival mechanism
they are perhaps right to heed.
why muck down with my messes? why
see past a surface armored and
weapon-filled, to the naked,
cowering creature behind?
these questions are useless
yeah and these days
i can see it scatter right in front
of my eyes
and i don't know anymore
and maybe i never did
but i keep looking for something
with weight and,
every time
falling short.

Friday, September 16, 2005

come full circle

how many years
did i long
for you to bend your body
to mine and take
my lips in yours?
how many times
did i play the scene?
of course, as life
often plays out, it
was nothing as i had imagined.
it was me,
who brought you close, and
tilted my head
and took your lips for my own.

i don't know where it goes
from here,
although i'm pretty sure
i know this time
the feeling's mutual.
but here's where there is
no trail - no connect the dots,
find the ways it should play,
to lay out what will give us
the ending we are looking for.
even my expectations must now fall away.
i have no idea what i want
out of this, i can only watch -
we could be everything - or nothing.
we could find folly,
find a happiness unimagined
by us both.
or, looking back to this moment
we could see something
that needed no changing -
here we are,
element introduced,
moment taken -
irrevocably changed,
if only for a night.
where do we go
from here?

Monday, September 12, 2005

it is

so strange that
the years have not diluted
my longing for you
to lean in
and kiss me.
i believed i was over this,
years ago
but i suppose
some loves never die,
after all.
why now?
we were so blind when
we were younger, more
similar, both
longing for the pretty
neighbor kid something
i cannot fathom a way
it could possibly work - yet
like two magnets,
we are opposite poles
and we are irresistibly drawn in
every time.
i can see it in your eyes.
but i am everything
your morals
stand against
you don't want what
i can offer.
but i saw the way tonight
you hesitated, held your face
close to mine.
i made the decision for you.
it was not the right time.
don't get me wrong - i
wanted it to happen,
wanted my fairy tale ending
more than i can explain.
but i am terrified - to give in
to this would jeopardize our
hard-won friendship, the
painstakingly built trust,
and i know
your heart only wants mine
when mine's unavailable.
so perhaps
if i hold back enough
from you,
then i can make you look
and see me,
really see me.

Monday, September 5, 2005

watching velvet night begin

my hands shake i
know the signs
the quick, darting movements
where precision becomes impossible
i am fluttering paper blown
by the wind, the breeze moves
my transient ways, my hair flows
in an unseen force
we may only experience
by noting how it changes
everything else.
the sun goes
into its descent and evening begins
to set claws into the passive sky.

Friday, September 2, 2005

so steve says, “if you fuck her, do you think you’ll get her out of your system??” *

her breaths come quick
when she is kissing me, her
soft sigh
starting up high

and then descending in
pitch, “hhmnm,”

muffled by my lips

upon knowing the very
best of her tonal ranges
and gasps

while my fingers
slip and hold, she swaying
against my taut arm
cheek crushed againstinto my shoulder

(those gasps come quicker
now, the
rise and
winded lungs)



her curves rest
their weight on my flesh
and i support her
trembling limbs,
and run
my fingers
her back and sides


*senior thesis poem