second sight

as i lay on the carpet
the world undulated around me
so long, goodbye
i could feel it coming
i could taste it on my lips

i cried, "i feel dead."
tasted blood where i had
smiled dully and
cracked my mouth

and i do
(feel dead)

paint it black

these scars aren't new
been there for years, now
but it's useless to wish to
change the past
(and oh i've tried)
i've been attempting to scrape
clean the skin, and start over
with new patterns
i've painted my outsides
with the insides carefully
peeking through -
black ink mars my blank canvas
my scarred canvas
if nothing else, i can
attempt
to turn myself into art
and ignore the rest.
(my eyes catch in the mirror
at the unfamiliar lines.)

3,000 miles

i thought i saw you today,
close enough to touch.
my surreptitious glances,
my inquisitive stare
fruitless in eventuality.
i could have brushed you
with my fingertips as i
walked past -
but my hands his shadows
and all i have left
is a vague promise
of december
and hope

i lied

i did not dream at all
i spent the entire night encircled by strange arms
a warmth that seems to leave me
the second i leave, these days
these days


these days
hands touch my skin, teeth
tear me apart. i am no longer
who once i pretended
was the real me, the
beautiful facade scarred and bruised
by my terrible need to escape.
i do not know who i am.
i have become the shadow
seen in the night, the movement
your eyes notice, but when you turn
i fade into the background, unseen.

heart stopped

simple letters on the page,
three words, all focused
upon me.
i gasped; i must
have held my position
for over a minute
staring at the screen.





(i love you)

emails left on the telephone

needle marks in my skin
faint knives and razors
in place of blank canvas
i have not stopped
looking at my arms in years.
my fingers are worn
my head hung
against all the shame
associated with my (past?)
profession.
i cannot apologize
enough, or
repaint the picture
with a smoother
type of paint.

snake bite

my hands, on her thigh
moving the night through
close in sync, i held myself
together, the beat goes
my heart won't quit
she enigmas her past
and leaves me guessing
while we dance closely i
hold her hands, her
belly her face her
legs wrapped around me
we refuse to return, these days
to the past we tried to scrupulously build
(has no idea, they will never know)
can't ever imagine what they do not
want to see.

nothing to die for

get real, i said
nothing to live by
nothing to put your trust in
i said she never seemed to care
and she always walked away
when i needed to talk
i said she was never good enough
she always tried to keep things simple
and what the fuck was simple
in those days.
we walked as though undead
through unchanging moonlit nights
we wandered the streets in
desperate attempts to live
before life sucked us under.

no answer the machine picked up

i listened to her voice
over the speakers
cheerful, leave
a message
i'm lost in
my own world.

i could hear the piano in
the background. the phone
is faulty, i know she's there.
she plays the familiar chords
over and over in the afternoon
the sun penetrates the curtains to
spotlight her sheet music
i cannot enter this world anymore
i have no invitation, no ties left.
i cannot be sunlight to
enter into her sanctuary and i
cannot merely be the wind.

panic

it was nothing special...just a cloudy night
shot through liberally with stars
we sat on a cement sidewalk
we took walks
architecture hunting and visiting graves
the moon was with us
followed unseen through the darkened skies
as we lay
trespassing on labyrinths long covered
in layers of time and guilt
we spread out in
grim imitations of the past
i don't know how to recall that night...
in a glimmer of panic
a warm feeling
cool wind brushing past my face
blowing my hair into my eyes
i can't remember a time when
everything made sense.

dragging

last night
was a beautiful dream,
the kind you wake up from
and wish you hadn't
you curled by my side
a blanket to shield me from the world
i'm fragile today,
and yesterday
i put on personas like hats,
and watched mirrors
for the right reflection.

bohemian rhapsody

words are in vain when
trying to describe this
volumes have been written
upon less - a mere touch
of skin, a scent, a glance
yet i grasp your entirety
which leaves me speechless
we are more than this
we fill our spaces with each
other and fall asleep,
lonely, in empty beds,
when apart.
(my face cannot drop its smile,
which warms my heart
so that i could not be cold
in even the most sub-zero weather)

she's not here

and as i turn to tell you...
no one answers
the doorbell never rings
your lingerie refuses to hang
over the shower
and i see shadows
of your coffeeshop logic,
of you scribbling
frantically
we are split like
rotten fruit.
the basket's empty,
we spread
over the continent
butter, cream,
the game is over,
the players are gone.

admissions

the phone rings and
no one answers
the phone rings, buried
under stacks of papers
of last year's dreams
in the pile for the shredder.
the interns shrug and
let it ring. the
receptionist's
leaning against
one of the
counselors outside
sharing a smoky kiss
in the haze
of marlboro light.
last year's dreams in
small strips flutter
to the floor.

only imagine

i dreamed of pearls in mexico
buying the things we never could afford
trading parts of our hearts for tangible objects
but it was okay, okay,
i was with her.
we danced together in the clouds.
and as i knew that the bit players
would soon fade
i would stand in the spotlight
alone.
i can only imagine
a world such as this, where
i stand up alone
dancing for you

the same either way you look at it

i imagine if i stretch
my arms out, squeeze my
eyes tightly shut, grasp
the pillow
legs gripping the sheets tightly
i might be able
to smell him, to feel
his arms hold me
as i turn.
no amount of comfort can
feel like his presence
it was a mistake;
i stretch and flounder
against the wall
i imagine his excess of pillows
beside my body,
now dismally absent in this
new reality
the bed is cold;
i am alone.
i have not been alone in years.
now even a twin bed is
acres too big for my
fetally shaped sleep
devoid of warm limbs
intertwining with mine and
stealing the down comforter
which threatens to engulf me
in its mass
with his absence.

it's been a year

imagine that
a year
twelve months of....nothing.
and if you don't know, then
you never meant anything
you weren't worth any of it
not one single smile
or a tear
not a bloody caress
and the understanding that came
with mutual love of razorblades
death, rebirth, wanting to
die so badly that we lived...
no, if you do not read this
if you do not understand
then it was never worth it
everything was lies, pure
nicotine to keep me holding
onto your useless breath.

bother

and there was only
what i wanted.
love sex and god were
no more than background.
i reached,
never considering once
his side
thoughts, dreams,
whispered promises
to be unmade and broken in a single night.
i was a useless goddess
wanting my immortality back
and i took my worship
with harsh fingers.
i lost the importance of love,
and small moments
in his acquiescence.

sometimes, wings are only signs of former flight.

it was just a picture painted
of happiness
we both lay inside the frame
and let this facade go up
around us,
over the top
we put on a show
fooling all the right people
and weren't we full of shit
in those days, the
farce of it all.
we almost even believed ourselves
we lied
hoping that if everyone believed
it would be enough.

seduction 101

no longer innocent - simple
clasp of hands
turns into your face
gasping as you reached for me
holding my hands in yours
clenched so hard,
you trembled
your whole body
with a tremor
i stole that innocence,
slowly
the shaking faded.
but oh your face -
i see the vision
every time i close my eyes
feel your hands
a simple stroke of thumb
across my side and down my hips.