antiphon

i repeated the words,
a sickening mantra to myself:
not need, not need
do not feel
hoping to bear down
and force my longing for you
into the same box
as all the other former lovers
i never really left behind, just
scrubbed their stains from me

i'd mouth it silently to myself,
not need, not need
banging my head against the wall
behind my bed,
hoping to somehow sleep
wishing you would hear and come up the stairs
to me

i couldn't even feel the pain.
not need, not need
i'd plead not to
but i do.

and i'm not finding it a weakness, but
a strength, standing
and facing you
when i could have ensured
i'd never hear your name again,
run
until i'd convinced myself
you never meant a thing

but i find strength is not,
ultimately,
self-reliance. it's
the willingness to face yourself,
and everything you attempt not to see
when you confront your mirror.