why?!?

i don't really know.
i did once...or i thought i did.
sitting there in the darkness,
alone, and in a delirious
state of numb.
watch carefully:
this is what sick people do.
sink the blade into your wrist
feel the red-hot pain
a little less each time - ah,
so i am still alive,
but feebly.
no one here to object,
do it again -
this time for the bloody show,
the evidence to paint on my page.
and when you come and ask...
what is that?
and if i tell you...
why?

abstract

a cloud-filled sky last night
obscuring the stars
and she crept over -
walked a mile in stilettos
shoes in hand, she climbed
into my yard and through
the window
bringing music, melancholy
a book of nothing[feelings]
it never meant anything
it never meant anything.
she steals my time, energy
running we down deserted streets
with solitary lampposts
clock ticking away
i should be sleeping
no worries no worries
beating along with the tock[tick]
she never listens! i screamed
get it all out, hold me
i need some contact
a small desperate caress
her footsteps fall
creeping out the window
flashing a peace sign against
the windowpane
tap tap... rain. abstract.

cutting

S M
S I
self-mutilation,
self-injury.
call it
whatever you choose.
it's still blood,
razors,
and it means
you aren't any better
than the rest of us.

i know you for moments

you sit there
peeking from under curtains
a small closet of a room,
mussed
you smile, beckon,
let me see you
unbroken, unchained,
uncovered
for the few seconds the drugs
can hold you untethered, flying high.
i only catch glimmers of you,
light behind your black curtains
as i drive by
on the county road.

did you know?

i kept everything.
all i had.
broken bracelets, letters,
notes from you,
old photographs
lipstick stains on paper,
sketches
letters i never had the heart
to give you, and some i forgot to,
every scrap you ever gave me -
what if i brought it over
one day, would you even know why?
the old sentiments
we laugh about now,
they really existed once,
and i don't have the heart
to get rid of
the evidence.

make up your own mind

i'll grit my teeth
bare my flesh
hold the knives closer
to keep my skin safe -
i'll inflict my own damage,
thank you.
pretty grin
you won't disturb me.
i watch you carefully,
peering at me
i saw your face
resting your chin in your hands
you smiled, sighed.

it did hurt

she said....
(i said....)
tell her. it can't hurt.
(yeah but what if you are so wrong? i can't lose this friendship i would die before i would lose that.)
you aren't being true to this you have to say something you can't hide forever what you feel, what you know.
(i will if i have to.)
but it isn't fair to her.
(fuck. it isn't fair to me now, it isn't fair if i tell her and she freaks, it isn't fair if i rock her foundation and she can't deal.)
it's not like she would slit her wrists?
(she might and it would all be my fucked up goddamn fault.)
and you can't live with that.
(no what are you my therapist? fuck no who could?)
i did.
(you're stronger than i am you are so much better you let everyone know you tell all who care to listen. you would tell
her.)
i would, and i would be proud. why are you so ashamed?
(i'm so fucking scared i need her and she doesn't give a shit.)
you don't know that.
(it's inevitable. i love only those i could never be with.)
what about.......?
(you know what i mean.)
no i don't.
(it's okay, no one does.)

insert swear word here

your face
familiar and sometimes i see the smile
it was meant to be there and left
i came along and it left
you write notes
phantoms of emotion i can't read
they were so long ago and you
scribble lovesick heartbreak about
(insert person here) you won't say
i'm sick i'm sick i'm suchafuckup
i want to be the person you ache for
i want i wish i'm so fucking selfish
oh and i hope to repair the damage
someday i would mend your heart

early a.m. lovers

my arms can't hold you
well enough, and i
don't know
who is your secret muse,
your forbidden fantasy.
if you could just blurt it out,
the truth,
ask your question
make the other swear to answer -
would you?
if i held you to your word
and you could just answer...
what would you do?

trust

he won't trust
me, with my own
knife blade.
his eyes are nervous
as i roll the edge
on my thumb,
he winces, when
i move quickly,
he reaches over,
attempts to take
all the sharp things
away.
he can't protect me...
it worries him.

withered lovers

i'd long to fold back
your skin, and slip
right in, to breathe
your air,
and say it was mine.
i'd sew your flesh
to my bones,
freshen up
my dying blood with
some of your own,
my elixir of life,
my shameful parasitic secret.
don't tell
i'll be everything
you ever needed,
supplying your emotions
from rusted tin cans,
emergency supplies.
love can distort and bend
your perceptions.

it's been one day

it's been a long time
to explain away,
a forever
i'd blink away, if it means
you'll come around again.
it's been perfect
you, lovely
it's been hell, sweaty
bleeding imperfection.
and less, less i start
less, finish more.
i don't know myself, the way
i used to
i get better, worse
i don't understand at all.
i'm clouded.
kiss me i'm so confused,
and you'll never get around to
reading this.
you'll languish in that
hot shower, we both with
eyes furtively averted,
scrubbing
making sure we aren't stained...
i hope i haven't ruined you yet.

the worst way

the worst way
to miss someone
is to be sitting right beside them,
knowing
you can't have them.

what i couldn't tell you at the time

listening to sad songs.
hope everything can be helped,
wonder if she wanders
if she knows does she get it?
(does she return does she wonder if i)
don't think
i just walk endless days a countdown
uh do you see me see through these lines
do you wonder if it would work,
do you wonder if i?
all i see is you
you

do you need me?

can you stand
to let me go
at arm's length,
and let me in,
a little closer?
tell them truth.

tell her

i sculpted her words in blood
at times,
wrote the odes to
anyone who would read them...
found out
this means everything.

take a chance

immortalizing your words
is a dicey proposition...

half the world hates them.

the rest of the world misquotes them.

shiver

inescapable fear, growing.
all you can do is cry,
hope someone knows your tears.
hiding, silently recording the
self-inflicted pain - rushing water,
running blood.
everyone is so afraid of this story -
they see nothing but the scars, nothing
but the angry red gashes,
noncommittal nods.
gasps and displeasure.
but if i don't speak
when i'm well-bladed,
i seem almost
normal.

today is lost, clouded

like many days
a clouded slate of polished rocks
a stupor induced by mania
lay for hours and stared at the ceiling
wishing it was you
and could you come back and hold me into myself
and breathe dear.
and now that i've outed myself,
put the defining limit upon my feelings,
composed the ultimate hypocrisy inches from your face
you still have no idea
and i'm still making love to razor blades
and mating the pages, stuck and rusted.

instead of crying

you weep,
and blood trails down your arm.