sleepless

i remember this feeling
trying to sleep
in a sticky bed
gasping
at the heat between us.

our sheets ended up soaked
by our slumber. years later, i can
conjure up that smell:
unwashed girls,
tangy
and bittersweet.

i don't invest so much, anymore. if the
covers go clammy, i kick them away.
i'm thinking downstairs in the den
that love is only the illusion you make
for yourself,
to give hope something to lean on
as a crutch.

i notice you're a bit quick
to tell me
you love me now,
and now i'm quick
to shut up.
the kind of love i build bonfires for
is love that's not returned,
and i know it.

sometimes, we define ourselves
by who decides to leave us,
so now i’m busy learning to leave others, hoping
if i learn well enough,
i'll understand
why the ones who leave us
don't look back when they're out the door.